Updated: Jun 24, 2021
After more than a year of restrictions, California is now fully reopening its economy.
This means that everything will go "back to normal", especially if you're vaccinated. There aren't any required capacity limits, no more physical distancing, and much looser mask mandates on restaurants, theme parks and other businesses.
To get the most protection against COVID-19, the CDC recommends receiving two doses of the Moderna or Pfizer vaccine, or just one dose of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.
In an effort to incentivize mass immunity, California is now offering a $3 million reward to the resident with the most coronavirus vaccinations by 2022.
The state admits that a large chunk of its residents are imbeciles and will do anything for cash. For example, did you know that Ellen DeGeneres dresses up as Dory and poops in her neighbor's mailbox? I don't know if that's true or profitable but it sure is hilarious.
So far, residents from Sacramento, Riverside, Victorville and Oakland are locked in a four-way tie with 30 vaccinations each. All vaccinations, of course, are purchased on the black market since no legitimate medical doctor or pharmacy would knowingly inject a patient with fifteen times the recommended dose.
Sacramento resident Squeaky Albatross, 90, is at the top of the vaccine pack. This morning, he received his 31st and 32nd injection from a fast-talking stranger with the hand-eye coordination of Michael J. Fox.
Albatross is a retired squirrel researcher, a career he made up because he sucks at everything else. A native of Old Sacramento, Albatross has lived in the historic riverfront district since its restoration in the 1960s, serving as the town's first make-believe mayor and unofficial goat tickler.
"This is my second shot today and I feel fine," said Albatross. "That's mostly because I've been coughing up blood for years, so I'm pretty used to it by now. Also, I've got a fever and think I'm about to have a heart a..."
Those were the last cryptic words ever spoken by Mr. Albatross.
Dozens of Californians have attempted to decipher the old man's message, but none have succeeded.
Legend has it Albatross was interested in heart anatomy, but that doesn't seem right.
Personally, I think he was about to have a Heart album delivered to his house via Amazon Prime drone delivery service and didn't want to miss the arrival of his favorite Ann Wilson record.
Before kicking the bucket, Albatross said he received dozens of COVID-19 vaccinations for both health and financial reasons.
"At my age, you can never be too careful," said Albatross. "Besides, I intend to use my winnings to purchase the ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz -- it's my lifelong dream to be buried in them forever."