In the NBA, nicknames are a well-deserved sign of respect -- a fun way to express our love of the game and the star performers that headline its action. Karl Malone may not have a championship ring but he'll always be known as "The Mailman" to his fans.
When it comes to nicknames, the more provocative the better. You know you have a winning nickname when younger fans don't understand its filthy double meaning. For example, Steph Curry and Klay Thompson are known as "The Splash Brothers", an obvious reference to the pair's life as swingers off the court. And who could forget Glen Davis' fetish for dressing like a toddler in the bedroom, dubbing him "Big Baby".
But all other nicknames pale in comparison to Laker's legend Earvin Johnson, whose mystical member earned him the illustrious title of "Magic".
Contrary to popular belief, Johnson did not receive his nickname in high school from a sports writer. The origin of the name actually dates back to 1969 when 10-year-old Earvin attended The Woodstock Festival with his father.
As a child of the '60s, Earvin grew up on early Motown pioneers, like Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, and The Supremes, but the music at Woodstock was unlike anything young Johnson had ever heard. He recalls his father participating in a bohemian love circle during a mesmerizing morning performance of "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix.
"There was a young man named Jimi Hendrix who played the guitar like he was making love to it," said Johnson. "It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard, so it was only logical for me to get naked."
Overflowing with adrenaline, second-hand smoke and hippie granola, Johnson flung his tie dye shirt into the air, stripped free of his bellbottom trousers and ran out of his Jesus sandals into a sea of peace, love and happiness. For the first time in his life, Johnson's johnson received the admiration he never knew it deserved.
Suddenly, the music stopped and the crowd became silent. Even Jimi Hendrix himself couldn't resist the power of Johnson's magical member.
"Dig this, I'm mesmerized by this boy's willie, man. I've never seen anything like it." said Hendrix. "It's like magic or something."
That was the moment Earvin Johnson became Magic, knighted by the great Jimi Hendrix with a profound nickname that has stuck ever since. In fact, Magic often credits his overall success to the guitar god, saying he never would have made it in the NBA without his magical nickname.
"Nobody wants to see a man named Earvin complete a no-look, between-the-legs pass to Kareem," said Johnson. "But when done with the finesse of Magic, now that's something special."
Do you have a nickname? Maybe your friends call you Big Bob, Silly Sarah or Predator Pete. Whatever you're known as, we're interested. Comment your nickname below for a chance to have a satirical story written about you. It's free and easy!