Teen Who Used AI Resume Builder to Apply at Chipotle Accidentally Becomes U.S. President

What began as a lifeless quest to wrap burritos at a diarrhea-inducing fast-food chain for $7.50 an hour somehow led to a zit-covered teenager being sworn in as the 48th President of the United States.

Eighteen-year-old Rex Junkett was lounging in his favorite beanbag chair in his parents’ Atlanta basement when his father demanded that he stop creating volcanic wastelands in Minecraft and get a goddamn job.

After the twenty minutes it took him to get up, Junkett licked the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust from his claw-like fingers, hobbled about two feet to the left, and collapsed back onto his other beanbag chair. Summoning every last bit of energy, he logged into his sticky laptop and typed “how to get a goddamn job” into ChatGPT.

Within seconds, the basically comatose teenager conjured up a very impressive résumé filled with certificates he had never earned, colleges he had never attended, and more than twenty-five years of experience as a top-ranking general in the U.S. Army.

Brimming with pride and chicken wings, and draped in his lucky Trae Young jersey, Junkett traveled by electric scooter to his local Chipotle, where he casually dapped up the manager and demanded to be hired as Crew Leader. Based on decades of fabricated work experience, the delusional teen assumed he would be a shoo-in for the job. That is when things got interesting.

Instead of being politely rejected, Junkett’s résumé was mistakenly forwarded up the corporate ladder, eventually landing on the desk of an overworked government contractor who saw his experience as “Top-Ranking U.S. Army General” and immediately added his name to the official presidential ballot.

News outlets reported widespread confusion as voters, seeing only a photo of a smelly, Cheeto-dusted teenager in a beanbag chair, assumed he was some sort of rebellious political prodigy. “He seemed relatable,” said one undecided voter.

On Election Day, Rex Junkett, armed with nothing but a high school diploma he did not finish and an electric scooter, swept the nation in a shocking landslide. His victory speech consisted of three words: “Where’s my burrito?”

Inside the Oval Office, President Junkett reportedly spends most of his days playing Minecraft and stalking Kylie Jenner’s Instagram on a government-issued laptop, occasionally signing executive orders by accidentally hitting “Enter” on his sticky keyboard. Advisors have learned to communicate by leaving notes in Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust, which the president eagerly laps up with his tongue like a Golden Retriever.

White House staffers remain cautiously optimistic. “He hasn’t figured out the nuclear codes yet,” said one aide, sighing. “Everything else is a total disaster, but at least we can still pretend to govern.”