No Humans, Just CRAP – Completely Reliable Automated Pilots Now Flying Your Plane

Ultra-low-cost carrier Spirit Airlines announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, human pilots are officially banned from all flights. In their place are Completely Reliable Automated Pilots, or CRAPs for short.

Spirit becomes the first airline in history to introduce fully automated CRAP Pilots, leaving humans grounded and passengers praying. According to the airline, the new CRAP system “does not complain about legroom, does not take bathroom breaks, and only occasionally panics mid-flight.”

CEO and reduplicatedly named Dave Davis commented, “Humans were too emotional, too slow, and frankly, they expected snacks. CRAPs are faster, cheaper, and don’t have sex with your wife while you’re at a CEO convention in Cleveland.”

The announcement caused a mild stir at airports nationwide, where passengers were seen praying, hugging their seatbelts, and taking selfies next to warning signs that read: ‘Please do not touch the CRAPs.’

A Spirit flight attendant, speaking anonymously because she feared being replaced by a CRAP, said, “They are eerily polite, and they are programmed to never use the word ‘cockpit’ in any fashion. I think one of them winked at a passenger yesterday. Or maybe that was just the autopilot glitching.”

Spirit claims the CRAPs have already completed 12,000 simulated flights with only seven minor explosions, all categorized as “learning opportunities.”

Passenger testimonials were collected via the new in-flight CRAP survey system. Highlights include:

• “Not gonna lie, these CRAPs are kinda hot. I’d like to take one into the lavatory and see where it goes.” – Winter Snowden, frequent flyer and notorious mile-high club addict

• “What’s the big deal? I’ve been on autopilot ever since I retired from the circus, and I’m fine.” – Pepper Quincy, vacationer and retired acrobat

• “I don’t care about anything except getting to Albuquerque in time for the International Balloon Fiesta.” – Anonymous

The airline plans future updates to include in-flight cocktail mixing, sarcastic safety announcements, and a feature that allows CRAPs to eject up to six annoying passengers from the aircraft per flight.

Passengers are advised to remain calm, keep hands inside the plane at all times, and refrain from asking CRAPs for emotional support. One frequent flyer summed up the new policy: “I don’t trust them. Then again, I have daddy issues and don’t trust anyone.”

Spirit Airlines did not respond to questions about whether CRAPs will eventually handle airport security, baggage claims, or the delicate art of consoling crying toddlers. Sources close to the company noted that the robots are very efficient, mildly judgmental, and slightly terrifying when forced to comfort children.