On a chilling winter evening in December 1937, 6-year-old Mildred Parker disappeared from Hollywood's Carthay Circle Theater after attending the original premiere of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with her father.
The daughter of a prominent RKO Radio Pictures employee, Parker enjoyed playing with her Jane Withers doll and shooting her father with a Buck Rogers ray gun. Her brother Peter recalled his sister being somewhat of a spoiled brat, often receiving rare red diamonds from mail-order catalogs on a weekly basis.
But Parker's disappearance on December 21 of that year launched decades of conspiracy theories that include Great Depression outlaws and gangsters such as Al Capone, John Dillinger, "Baby Face" Nelson, and "Pretty Boy" Floyd.
The last time anyone saw her was in the lobby of the theater. Parker's father briefly left his daughter to purchase cocaine and cigarettes from a notorious drug peddler on the streets. When he returned to the theater several hours later, properly peppy and powdered, Mildred Parker was nowhere to be found. Mr. Parker immediately telephoned authorities but was quickly shut down by officers who told him it would be impossibly inconvenient to find some girl.
"What is this, some sort of gag?" said one officer. "Stop beating your gums, this is the 1930's. Trying to find your little dame is a trip for biscuits, wise guy."
But now, over 80 years later, incompetent officers reopened the decades-old case after spotting an elderly woman at Starbucks with similar age-related characteristics.
Authorities say the woman's skin showed drastic signs of aging, a feature officers predict the missing girl would possess by now. Also of interest is the strong odor of BENGAY pain relief cream that radiated from the old lady's body, another attribute they say the missing girl would probably hold. Authorities are urging residents to be on the look out for any and all elderly women that fit this description.
Officers currently have the old woman in custody and plan to drill her with extremely difficult questions only the missing person could answer, such as the plot to Snow White, whether Mickey is the name of a mouse or badger, and location of the Golden Gate Bridge.