Trump Orders All Late-Night Shows to Be Replaced by Holograms of Deceased Hosts

Current President and pumpkin-faced lunatic Donald J. Trump has declared that he will issue an executive order to eliminate all living hosts from late-night television, singling out “that talentless, ratings-challenged disaster Jimmy Kimmel” for immediate termination. In their place, Trump plans to install holograms of long-dead men who, by definition, cannot say mean things about him.

Not stopping there, Trump revealed his next breakthrough: banning televisions altogether and replacing them with direct brain-beamed holograms. The technology, which he insists is “perfect, incredible, and invented by me,” uses highly controversial death lasers. Critics say the lasers could cause blindness, seizures, or “the complete unraveling of reality itself,” but Trump waved off these concerns, claiming, “Actually, reality is overrated.”

Sources alarmingly close to Trump confirmed an “unsurpassable” holographic lineup featuring late-night hosts from the president’s youth, including Johnny Carson, Merv Griffin, Larry King, Regis Philbin, and Jimmy Fallon, who, though still alive, is reportedly “as good as gone” once Trump is finished with him.

To carry out this visionary plan, Trump has recruited a crack team of specialists: serial killer Dexter Morgan for logistics, Eric Cartman for communications strategy, and Jafar from Aladdin for foreign policy. White House insiders confirm that Skeletor and the Hamburglar are also in talks to join what Trump is calling his “Super Smart, Very Legal, Totally Real Science Squad.”

Trump, in a masterstroke of lunacy, has appointed the ghost of Hulk Hogan as his head of security, guarding his every move while he eagerly reserves roster spots for Jake and Logan Paul, confident their terminal stupidity will soon deliver him two fresh corpses to command.

According to fabricated statistics, Trump’s master plan has secured the backing of more than 200% of the population, and the number is expected to grow once holographic programming starts counting imaginary friends and household pets.

During a press conference in his underground White House lair, President Trump, clutching an Infinity Stone, assured Americans that his plan was foolproof, that their safety was guaranteed, and that legal citizens of this tremendous country had nothing to fear, so long as they complied with his every demand.