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Utah Jazz to Replace Bear Mascot with 1920s American Bandleader Paul Whiteman, the "King of Jazz"


Everybody knows jazz music was invented by a tubby white man in Prohibition-era Utah.


With such classic hits as "Flamin' Mamie", "Whiteman Stomp", and "Hot Lips (He's Got Hot Lips When He Plays Jazz)”, American composer Paul Whiteman used his early 20th century whiteness to position himself at the top of the early jazz scene. Dubbed the "King of Jazz" by pasty-skinned media moguls of yesteryear, Whiteman was a target of constant scorn by critics for his glaring racism that ultimately paved the way for future generations of ignorant white men.


It's only natural, then, for the NBA's Utah Jazz to incorporate his legacy into its organization. After all, Utah is historically dominated by Caucasians, sporting a 98.4% white population during Whiteman's heyday.


To Jazz GM Whitey Paleskin, the mascot transition is a no-brainer, something that should've been done a long time ago.


"With the exception of Karl Malone, we rely heavily on light-skinned players," said Paleskin. "I mean, we built a franchise around John Stockton and Jeff Hornacek, two men who look more like grocery store clerks than professional basketball stars."


The team is scheduled to reveal its Paul Whiteman mascot on Friday against the Bucks, though word on the street says the switch is already a controversial one amongst Jazz fans.


"I can't believe my beloved team would do this," said Salt Lake City forklift operator Hevvy Leefter. "At this point, I'll probably just give up and become a Celtics fan."

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