Vehicle Airlifted to Auto Body Shop After Run-In With Plus-Sized Pedestrian; Pedestrian Continues Errands

TOAD SUCK, AR -- Emergency responders confirmed Tuesday that a 2025 Chevrolet Suburban was airlifted to a nearby auto body shop after sustaining significant damage in a low-speed collision with a plus-sized pedestrian.

According to officials, the vehicle suffered extensive structural trauma after the enormous pedestrian spotted a Taco Bell wrapper in the roadway and darted into oncoming traffic to inspect it for crumbs, triggering a collision that collapsed the car’s hood inward like a folding chair at a chili cook-off. Witnesses say the pedestrian paused briefly to assess the scene before continuing on to a nearby Arby’s, where they reportedly consoled themselves with four half-pound Beef ’n Cheddar sandwiches and a Diet Coke.

“The vehicle never stood a chance,” said Sgt. Jackson Michaels. “In my 28+ years on the force, I’ve never seen anything like this. Of course, I also spend a lot of time watching Megan Thee Stallion music videos on my phone while on duty, so there’s probably a lot I haven’t seen.”

First responders stabilized the SUV at the scene, placing it on blocks and repeatedly reassuring it that help was on the way. The disgraced vehicle was later transported via flatbed under a privacy tarp to avoid further embarrassment.

Meanwhile, the pedestrian declined medical attention, stating they felt “fine, just annoyed and hungry,” and asked officers to clear the wreckage so they could make it to China Buffet before closing.

Auto body specialists say the SUV faces a long road to recovery, with estimates including frame realignment, emotional counseling, and possible replacement of its front end and sense of pride.

At press time, the pedestrian was reportedly stuck in the front entrance of China Buffet, waiting for staff to heat enough butter to set them free, while the vehicle remained in stable condition and was expected to be released sometime next week, pending parts availability and psychological assessment.