Updated: Aug 20, 2021
Flying has officially lost its thrill.
Thanks to the annoying effects of the coronavirus, you can't even get sandwiched between two smelly strangers on a 14-hour flight to Rome anymore.
After hundreds of thousands of complaints from loyal Delta passengers who just want their discomfort back, the world's second largest airline seeks to win back its audience with a series of dangerous and outright idiotic initiatives.
Captain Archibald Bumfuzzle, a 36-year Delta pilot known for habitually texting and flying, sits at the forefront of a movement seeking to bring back traumatic flight experiences once and for all.
"Look, we all know that flying is supposed to suck," said Bumfuzzle. "I mean, if flying was meant to be pleasant and relaxing, we'd never have movies like Airplane!, Top Gun, Con Air, Final Destination, or Snakes on a Plane, and that would just be a shame."
In an exclusive interview with CNN journalist Anderson Cooper, Bumfuzzle laid out his destined-to-fail scheme which includes filling middle seats with live wolverines.
The pilot, who openly admitted to losing 70% of his eyesight due to several undocumented strokes, said the wolverines are intended to mimic full flight capacity and give passengers the illusion of normalcy.
To date, Delta has already recorded a massive surge in ticket purchases, including a lenghty waiting list extending to late 2038.
"We're trying to provide passengers with the terrible Delta experience they know and love," said Bumfuzzle. "And if they need to be mauled by a wolverine to really appreciate the wonders of air travel, then so be it."
The wolverines have been illegally captured in Siberia and kept in isolation chambers to guarantee their untameable aggression.
Delta plans to unveil its controversial wolverine tactic on both domestic and international coach flights beginning September 1. On the flip side, first-class passengers will be seated next to adorable puppies and kittens who are expertly trained in the divine art of Zen meditation.