Study Shows Quality of Life in U.S. Peaks at 18 Months

A controversial clinical trial conducted by the University of Idiocracy at Washington found that people are happiest between birth and 18 months of age.

Around 18 months is when children typically become aware of their own individuality, which usually results in the development of either narcissistic pride or wretched embarrassment.

“I was incredibly happy for the first year and a half of my life,” said self-deprecating toddler Ernie Calcutta. “Then, one day, I was obsessively DoorDashing mass quantities of Chick-fil-A mac and cheese to my residence when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and recognized the reflection as my own. It was at that moment that I suddenly developed an extreme disdain for my own appearance, which isn’t nearly as soft and smooth as Johnson & Johnson led me to believe it should be. Quite frankly, I haven’t been the same since.”

According to the clinical trial, which was definitely never approved or regulated by the FDA, Mr. Calcutta’s horrifying experience is overwhelmingly common among his peers.

Two-year-old Daphne Pinkus of Lincoln, Nebraska, who also participated in the trial, shared a similar perspective.

“Listen, I’ve been fully aware of my own individuality for six months now, and I’m depressed as fuck,” said Pinkus. “This time last year, I was playing peekaboo with my own reflection, blissfully unaware of my ignorance. But now that I’m able to identify myself as separate from others, I’m so confused. I have no idea who I am or why I’m here. No cap, it’s lowkey sus. IYKYK.”

As a sick and twisted part of the trial, researchers showed the babies pictures of surgically deformed celebrities and brainwashed them into believing this is how people are supposed to look. It was at this point, ironically, that most of the children developed severe eating disorders and began injecting insanely high doses of Ozempic into their bottoms, which were all far too fat and not nearly thin enough to be accepted by modern society.

During the course of the trial, one baby in particular, let’s call him “Timmy,” proved to be quite the rabble-rouser. Unlike the other babies, Timmy developed an unsettling ability to think for himself and refused to accept everything he was told as truth. It was Timmy’s belief that happiness is a highly subjective and personal experience shaped by individual values, biology, and culture, and therefore cannot be universally measured or defined. This attitude frustrated researchers and led to Timmy’s untimely ostracization from the study and exile to the Netherlands, where he has happily lived as a successful manufacturer of wooden clogs ever since.

Ultimately, the trial took nearly six years to complete, proved absolutely nothing, and cost roughly $800 million, which, according to the researchers, was a massive success.