Trans-Species Centaur Man Wins 2021 Belmont Stakes to Secure the Coveted Triple Crown
After a tough year away from the tracks, horseracing fans trotted back to Belmont Park on Saturday for the 153rd Annual Belmont Stakes.
Held in early June, the Belmont Stakes is regarded as the "Test of the Champion"; It is the third and final leg of the Triple Crown, following the Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes.
In the history of the Triple Crown, only 13 Thoroughbred horses have won all three races.
This year, a new champion emerged.
Barnaby Gallup, aka Equine Frankenstein, is a human man who identifies as a centaur.
By the age of 5, Barnaby knew he was different.
For example, while other children were busy playing baseball, Barnaby was in the outfield eating grass and pulling his teacher in a carriage. He was also the only boy in school who referred to his feet at hooves.
Over time, Barnaby learned to accept himself and eventually came out as a centaur to his family and friends.
"Although I was born into a human body, I've always felt like a centaur on the inside," said Barnaby. "Heck, I can't even pass an open field without grazing for vegetation."
From then on, Barnaby embraced his new identity with pride and underwent painful and weird experimental surgery to transform himself into a more authentic centaur.
By the time he entered the Kentucky Derby as Equine Frankenstein, Barnaby was completely delusional.
In his own mind, Barnaby was a bona fide Greek mythological creature with the upper body of a human and the lower body and legs of a horse.
To others, he was just a surgically deformed man in a horse costume.
Equine Frankenstein clearly wasn't a Thoroughbred racehorse, but due to the 2021 laws of social inclusion, nobody had the guts to say anything--so they let him race.
Equipped with a jar of robust extra virgin olive oil, Equine Frankenstein used his questionable intelligence to outsmart the competition.
When the front stall doors opened, Equine Frankenstein emptied the oil across the dirt and turf track to effectively create a race track Slip 'N Slide.
Miraculously, his plan worked. One by one, the other horses slid recklessly along the slippery surface and onto the ground.
With an open track ahead and non-slip synthetic horse shoes on his feet, Equine Frankenstein galloped his way to the finish line in the most lopsided horse race victory since Sylvester Stallone defeated Secretariat in the 1975 Kentucky Derby.
In a post-race interview with field reporter and certified lunatic Barles Charkley, Barnaby credited his success to a devoted faith in Loki, the shapeshifting Norse god of mischief with the cunning ability to transform into animals to execute his evil schemes.
"I've been 51/50'd and 52/50'd in 15 U.S. states and seven Canadian provinces, so my participation in this event should come as no surprise to anyone," said Barnaby. "I'm going to use my winnings to see a controversial Hungarian veterinarian because he's the only doctor crazy enough to use grafted skin from my arm, thigh and back to create a grotesque horse tail."