2-Year-Old Beagle Wins 90% of Popular Vote for California Governor
A 2-year-old beagle from the Los Angeles County Animal Shelter is in prime position to become California’s first ever canine governor. While Schwarzennegar was as close to an animal as we’ve ever had in office, Muffins could be on his way to claiming a position as chief executive of California state government.
Residents are praising the dog for his unorthodox leadership techniques, such as biting political opponents, urinating on desired property, and sometimes eating important legal documents.
When asked how he plans to improve the state’s unemployment rate, Muffins barked twice and fetched an old corn cob from the trash, which voters believe is code for something revolutionary. “My species has been segregated for thousands of years, and it feels good to finally bridge the gap between human and dog on a government level,” said Muffins’ interpreter and six-time convicted felon, LaMarcus Fugitive.
Muffins demonstrates a remarkable knowledge of geography, and says his first order of business is to deport all the cats of California as far away as possible, to places like the mailbox down the street, the urine-covered tree in the park, or the house where he buried that bone 3 years ago.
Voting begins January 1st at a fire hydrant near you.