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Biden Says Trump Installed Dozens of Glory Holes that Completely Depreciate Value of White House

It's move-in day at the White House in Washington D.C. and the Biden family is settling into their new 221-year-old home.

Preparations for the move began bright and early Wednesday morning at 3 a.m. when White House staffers began a routine walkthrough of the property, completely unprepared for what they found.

To their complete and utter surprise, all 132 rooms of the White House contained crudely-cut glory holes barely large enough for an earthworm. Of the 35 bathrooms, only three weren't covered in feces.

A horror scene in the music room revealed pentagram-covered walls and a collection of woodwind instruments that had clearly been violated. After an exhaustive investigation, staffers conclude there probably isn't much in the house Trump hasn't stuck up his ass.

While Joe Biden is inaugurated as our 46th President, White House staffers team with Baltimore-based biohazard company "Feces Fighters" and government contractor "Taren Walls" to transform the shithole into a livable property.

In five short hours, the White House is transformed from a cesspool of questionable human existence into immaculate living quarters fit for a President, although certain odors still sting the nostrils.

"If I had to take a guess, I'd say the previous tenant probably had no sense of smell," said Biden. "We're definitely going to need more Lemon Pledge."

In celebration of his victory, President Biden and First Lady Jill plan to enjoy the White House Bowling Alley tonight, so long as Trump hasn't fucked that too.

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