Chicago Police Chief Loses Badge After Faking Heart Attack to Avoid Examining Yucky Crime Scene
Former Chicago police chief Rusty Cardigan had his badge revoked on Friday after an investigation found Cardigan fabricated a heart attack so he could ditch a crime scene examination he thought was "too yucky".
After successfully avoiding law enforcement responsibilities at seven other police departments, Cardigan joined the Chicago Police Department as chief in 2011, where he continued to con his fellow officers for another decade.
In 2015, Cardigan figured out how to perform his duties remotely from the comfort of his easy chair. He claims to work better in his sleep, though this belief has been repeatedly disproven time after time.
Nevertheless, Cardigan upheld his moronic methods for another six years, effectively fooling coworkers by sending a cardboard cutout of himself to the office in his place and claiming to have shifted to a 2D lifestyle.
Cardigan remained in good standing with the police department until Friday, when a bogus health emergency pushed his luck over the edge.
That morning, Cardigan was assigned to a homicide case at the Chicago Opera Theater where a male soprano was assassinated for using way too much falsetto.
Unwilling to leave his easy chair or put on pants, Cardigan did the next logical thing -- fake a heart attack.
He quickly weakened his voice and began rapid shallow breathing. As Chief of Police, he knew he could get away with anything.
"Hi Sergeant, this is Chief Cardigan. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be working today because I had a heart attack," said Cardigan. "So yeah, just tell the officers to investigate the scene without me. And definitely don't come to the hospital to see me because I'm much too weak for visitors."
The Sergeant paused before stating the obvious.
"I'm terribly sorry chief, but are you playing video games? I have kids and it sounds a lot like you're playing Wii Tennis."
As a habitual hustler and con artist, the chief knew exactly how to diffuse the situation.
"Damnit Sergeant, how dare you question my integrity. If you ever disrespect me again, I swear to God, I will come to your house and steal all your remotes," said the chief. "You'll still be able to watch TV but you will have to get up to change the channel and it will be inconvenient. MWAHAHAHA."
After clearly complicating the issue, the chief continued his quest to defeat Maria in Wii Sports, followed by a six-hour power nap.
He emerged from his coma refreshed and with absolutely no remorse for his tomfoolery, only to find Chicago Mayor Puffy Piston waiting patiently at the foot of his bed.
"Good morning, Chief," said the mayor. "How ya feeling?"
At this point, the chief panicked and started speaking in tongues while making spooky ghost noises and pretending to be invisible.
"Alright, I've seen enough," said the mayor. "Chief, you are the laziest, most dishonest man I've ever met and it is my pleasure to terminate you. I'd tell you to clear your office but I don't think you even know where the police department is."
The mayor walked into the kitchen and confiscated the chief's badge, which was hanging on his fridge next to children's artwork, even though the chief doesn't have kids.
For his next job, Cardigan hopes to take over the Buford Police Department in Wyoming, an unincorporated ghost town whose last resident left in 2012.
"It's like I always say," said Cardigan. "When life gives you lemons, fake a heart attack -- it's the right thing to do."