Seattle native and Chef de Cuisine Walter Slicer, charged with murder in connection with Washington's grizzly "Minced Meat" slayings, will be held by an actual grizzly bear until a court hearing, authorities in Seattle said Tuesday.
Slicer, 35, was captured in his Rainier Valley kitchen stirring a bubbling cauldron and humming Alice Cooper's necrophilic masterpiece, I Love the Dead. Officers reportedly followed a Michelin star-worthy aroma that ended at Slicer's corpse-filled hideout.
As police drew their weapons, Slicer approached one of the officers with a carving set and attempted to pull out his heart, authorities said. His girlfriend, Lockjaw, 22, saw what was happening and pummeled towards the officer with a pitchfork. With quick thinking and cat-like reflexes, the officer's partner drew his weapon and fired several rounds into Lockjaw's torso, knocking the woman into a rotting mound of human remains. From there, officers were able to successfully restrain Slicer and bring him into custody.
Sheriff's deputies took Slicer for questioning to the Seattle Police Department, where the alleged killer proudly cooperated with authorities.
Slicer spoke in detail about his appearance on the popular daytime game show, The Price is Right, and how a winning set of knives unlocked an insatiable hunger for human flesh.
"Well, the actual retail price of the item was $417," said Slicer. "I still remember the number to this day, because that's the number that started and ended my murder career. It started with a $417 knife set and ended with killing 417 people. Kind of funny if you think about it."
"Anyway, I'd been doing a lot of criminally-unrelated Google searches involving knives, and I clearly remember seeing that particular knife set on the cover of Nonviolent Knife Owners Magazine," Slicer continued. "By now, I had almost enough money to buy the knives, but it didn't matter anymore. I was about to win that carving set and become the best damn butcher I could be. As you can see, things didn't exactly go as planned."
Without provocation, Slicer managed to effortlessly incriminate himself to over 300 murders in the Greater Seattle area by providing detailed human recipes passed down from his father, Eugene, who fled to Paraguay in the early 1990's after a troubled past involving human sacrifices and plutonium.
In virtually every case, Slicer entered homes at night with chloroform and carried his victims back to his kitchen, where he would use the carving knives to professionally butcher his victims into perfectly proportioned slices. Slicer credits his success to the needlelike sharpness of his prize.
"It's like slicing through butter, but the butter is a person," said Slicer.
Slicer is facing life without the possibility of parole, while the state of Washington plans to turn his infamous kitchen into a Starbucks.
