First Astronauts on Mars Holla Back at Extremely Sexy Alien Shorty

Mars is home to breathtaking blue sunsets and the tallest mountain in the solar system, but did you know that the Red Planet also houses extremely sexy aliens?

In a record-breaking human mission to Mars, three American astronauts aboard Mars-2021 successfully landed on the surface of the the Red Planet in a 400-day round trip flight from Earth. The mission launched on a Falcon 11 spacecraft on January 1, 2020, from the Pacific Regional Spaceport in Seattle, Washington.

NASA astronauts Doug Tug, Peter Liter and Hank Spank became the first humans to step foot on Martian soil at exactly 47 o'clock, Mars Standard Time. After a delicious snack of freeze-dried peaches and rehydrated mushrooms, the men began exploration of the planet composed mainly of carbon dioxide and Mars Bars.

Commander Doug Tug, a 23-year NASA veteran and self-proclaimed ""deadhead", first observed extraterrestrial activity after discovering a no-cover strip club just south of the crew's landing spot. Tug quietly snuck away from his crew and into the club, a sight he said he'll never forget.

"It was just so surreal," said Tug. "One minute I'm pooping in zero gravity and the next minute I'm being violated by sexy aliens. Awesome!"

Tug described the alien strippers as a combination of Marilyn Monroe, Jessica Rabbit and Medusa, but with much larger breasts and several additional holes. They also have the ability to destabilize Earth men with a single glance, leaving them completely useless for up to eight hours. It was during one of his many, many destabilizations that Tug believes his limbs turned into tentacles and his head grew tenfold.

By the time Liter and Spank found Tug, his vital organs were replaced with meteorites and his eyes harvested for black magic witchcraft ceremonies.

After plummeting through space for over a year, isolated from the outside world, the astronauts returned home with a weakened immune system and no knowledge of the global pandemic. The men quickly reboarded the rocket and launched themselves as far away from the coronavirus as possible, landing safely back on Mars to help repopulate the planet of sexy aliens.