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Gang of Badass Toddlers Arrested for Smuggling Moonshine into KISS Concert

A group of belligerent toddlers were arrested at American Family Insurance Amphitheater early Sunday morning after police said they were allegedly drinking homemade moonshine and firing illegal KISS-themed fireworks in the parking lot after the band's stripped-down nine-hour set.

Milwaukee Police officers arrived on the scene of KISS'S 27th Annual Farewell Tour at approximately 12:30 am after surrounding neighbors complained of violent temper tantrums and loud explosions to the tune of Detroit Rock City.

"I was just sleeping on my Harley-Davidson in the living room when a loud boom suddenly knocked me off the bike and into a kiddie pool filled with Pabst Blue Ribbon, which I also keep in the living room," said local Brewers Hill resident Suds Poppy.

Witnesses said the toddlers took turns drinking fermented alcohol from a large jug and shouting obscenities such as "Poopy Head", "Damnit", and "Dumb Butt", then threw rocks at nearby concertgoers from behind a bush.

The ignorant toddler's kidnapped Gene Simmons at Play-Doh knifepoint but became extremely distracted when an officer began blowing bubbles and playing with stickers. After noticing its calming effect on the children, the officer sung "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" until the boys released Mr. Simmons and fell asleep.

The toddlers were arrested on felony charges of arson, public intoxication, aggravated assault, kidnapping and indecent exposure, and booked in Milwaukee County Jail. Bail has been set at 1 million Monopoly dollars.

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