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Inside Trump’s Plan to Re-Assassinate President Lincoln

Donald J. Trump, habitual half-wit and President of the United States, revealed this morning his plans to re-assassinate former president and current dead guy, Abraham Lincoln.

In a 76-point plan designed to secure complete dictatorship of America, Trump discussed the dangers of “liberty and justice for all”. In point 36 of his evil manifesto, Trump glorified slavery and even admitted to his own days as a “master”.

“Yep, I used to have slaves,” Trump boasted to a crowd of mask-less baby boomers. “So what, big whoop, wanna fight about it?”

Point 43 highlights Trump’s mind control tactics, a skill passed down from President to President. In his notes, which are really just sketches of violent lynching's, Trump claims that he first discovered his powers for mind control at Theodore Roosevelt Middle School in 1922.

“I was 13. I had just started puberty and I was horny, like, all the time. So I figured if I thought about it hard enough I could move Jenny Pickler’s skirt with my mind,” Trump creepily bragged. “Sure enough, it worked. I grabbed a handful of subpar teenage pussy and ran. Bitch never even saw it coming.”

Anyways, back to Lincoln.

As his plans for world domination fall into place, Trump says his only fear is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln coming back to life and reclaiming the throne — a completely realistic scenario, according to the carrot-faced bastard.

“Let’s face it, I’m a terrible president and even worse human being,” Trump joked. “Abraham Lincoln was a fucking saint. If that guy comes back to life, I’m French toast. That is why I am going to murder Abraham Lincoln, again….”

After that, Trump began laughing maniacally and stroking a hilariously oversized mustache he suddenly had for no reason. He disappeared into an abyss of secret service agents and ignorant rich-guy racism, hopefully never to be seen or heard from again.

WRITTEN BY Brian Chester

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