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Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Coming Out of Retirement to Protect Scoring Record from LeBron James

Updated: Jan 20, 2021

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar leads the NBA in total career regular season points scored. The 7’2” center scored 38,387 points in 20 seasons and is widely considered one of the greatest big men in NBA history.

Abdul-Jabbar, now 71 and a habitual marijuana smoker, announced yesterday that he will be coming out of retirement to stop LeBron James from beating his scoring record.

LeBron stands at 34,332 points after 17 seasons and shows no signs of slowing down.

Kareem will rejoin the Lakers, the team he retired from when Ronald Reagan was in office and LeBron was in preschool.

Kareem plans to stop LeBron from scoring by any means necessary, including but not limited to choking, punching, cutting, strangling, and shooting.

“The locker room is the perfect place to strike,” mumbled Kareem. “I’m older than shit, so my only hope at this point is to get him while he least expects it. I think I’ll sneak up on him during his pre-game ice bath and beat him with a lead pipe.”

Magic Johnson, the Lakers’ president of basketball operations and former teammate of Kareem, says he supports Kareem’s evil plot to sabotage LeBron even if it costs him $150 million per season.

“This is going to be really cool,” Magic snickered. “I can’t wait to see the look on LeBron’s face when Kareem fills his pillowcase with ninja stars and explosives.”

Kareem’s #33 jersey will remain retired and he’ll instead take the court in a custom-made Venom jersey laced with actual rattlesnake venom.

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