The greatest basketball player in the world dipped his pen deep into a vat of Tostitos Chips and Salsa brand ink Friday evening, officially sealing the deal on a 5-year, "crunchier than life" partnership between LeBron and some chips.
Well known for his raging levels of devotion to both past and current partners, LeBron said he plans to place a delicious Tostitos chip on his shoulder, tucked neatly under his jersey, for the remainder of the season. The chip will beam a high definition, holographic image into the eyes of any and all spectators, wherein they will be hypnotized to purchase Tostitos products immediately.
"It's just smart marketing, really," said James, now elbow deep in a bag of Spicy Quesadilla crunchers. "I mean, it's all a matter of simple suggestion, that's all. No big deal."
LeBron also gave reporters tours of all his multi-million-dollar mansions in Brentwood, each one sponsored and decorated by a separate endorsement company.
The King seemed overjoyed to show off his prized possessions:
"You see that giant 7,000 sq. ft. glass bottle over there? That mansion is sponsored by Coca-Cola and is literally unlivable."
"And this one's made entirely out of playing cards. Yep, that's from my deal with Upper Deck."
"My personal favorite is this giant nightmare of a house that looks like a solid black swoosh. It's not at all convenient or safe but it sure does scream Nike."
James plans to sell the chip on eBay after the game, where it's already expected to earn a 6-year, $600 million endorsement by Amazon.