Man Who Said He'll Sleep When He's Dead Dies of Sleep Deprivation
Updated: Feb 15, 2022
Going 97 days without sleep likely caused 25-year-old Reggie Bootbuckle his life after attempting to create a time machine to effectively return to 1946 and kill baby Trump.
According to family witnesses, Bootbuckle was incredibly healthy prior to the science experiment that ultimately killed him. His sister said he was an avid runner, often sprinting through fields at 3:30 am while being chased by dinosaurs.
"Reggie was in great health. But staying up through the night and tinkering with plutonium weakened his immune system, not to mention all that cocaine he was doing," said Regina Bootbuckle, Reggie's sister and high ranking drug lord.
Bootbuckle was found dead in his sleep in his underground laboratory/lavatory, sporting an extreme Vitamin D deficiency and clenching crudely-drawn blueprints of a flux capacitor. Because of the lack of natural light in his underground lab, Bootbuckle had developed early onset Alopecia and was beginning to look grossly similar to George Costanza.
In closely-monitored experiments, people have been able to stay awake for up to 10 days straight, Bogus Science reported. They didn't die, although they did experience minor side effects such as memory issues, difficulty thinking, poor balance, high blood pressure, and loss of vital sexual organs.
According to Bogus Science, humans can safely stay awake for 11 days. This record was set by a 15-year-old Wisconsin boy named Huck Hooligan in 1996. However, Bootbuckle completely shattered this record after stubbornly staying awake for almost 100 days straight.
Researchers at Hogwarts Sleep Medicine Center explained how even after just 24 hours of no sleep, blood pressure begins to rise and stress levels skyrocket. From there, the immune system starts to shut down and the mind is transformed into a Kardashian. Doctors say this is the most deadly stage of progression.
"Once a patient reaches Kardashian-level incompetence, there's really nothing we can do," said Dr. Pip Grindstone. "At that point, it's probably better just to kick the bucket anyway."
Bootbuckle leaves behind his pet hedgehog, Lucifer, and a detailed map of the expected orbit of stars around Sagittarius A*.