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Nabisco Halts Oreo Production After Cookie Monster Caught Masturbating into Creme Filling



Everybody knows that Cookie Monster loves cookies, but who knew the voracious Muppet also enjoyed having sex with them?


Ricky Ramirez, a Nabisco factory worker in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, came into work Thursday morning to find a trail of cookie crumbs leading up to walls of splattered cookie dough and creme-covered ovens.


But when Ramirez called his supervisor to come in and clean the factory, the pair were shocked to discover Cookie Monster crouched over a vat of cookie batter with a smug grin and copy of Muppets Gone Wild.


In surveillance footage, Cookie Monster is seen breaking in through a roof exhaust vent of the Chicago factory and giving bedroom eyes to a conveyer belt of double stuff sandwich cookies. The sexually confused puppet would grab a handful of creme stuffing and just go to town on himself, resting intermittently to regain stamina.


"After reviewing the surveillance footage, we believe the suspect was holding out for a 'heroic load'," said Ramirez. "That basically puts us out of commission for at least a year."


Police say the monster successfully impregnated at least 100 pounds of cookies and is currently awaiting trial in Manhattan Detention Complex, where he is predicted to be extremely popular amongst the state's horniest inmates.

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