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One-Armed Man Steals Bionic Arm from Army Research Center

Police are looking for a one-armed man who they say broke into the Army Research Center, threatened employees at gunpoint and took off with a highly experimental bionic arm.

Surveillance videos show the thief breaking a window and reaching inside to open the door with a crudely constructed fake arm made of Mr. Potato Head parts. The robber can be seen struggling to turn the door handle and eventually climbing to the roof, lathering himself in fish sauce and shimmying down the chimney into a fully lit fireplace.

“Now that I think about it, I probably should have just opened the door with my good arm,” the robber said in a very loosely constrained interview.

Authorities are urging residents to be on the look out for the suspect, who is said to be incredibly dangerous from his left side and completely unaffected by handcuffs.

“In my 32 years of law enforcement, I’ve never seen anything quite like this,” said veteran two-armed Sergeant Rich Poney. “Is this guy a magician or something? One minute we had him detained and the next minute he was gone. Just remarkable.”

Residents are encouraged to submit any tips to police that might lead to the arrest of this one-armed maniac.

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