President Joe Biden was in a jolly mood as he spoke with media personnel during a virtual press conference early Tuesday morning. He had just finished eating an alarmingly large bowl of Raisin Bran and enough coffee to stimulate an African elephant for a week straight, remaining close to the presidential crapper throughout the call.
Biden joked with reporters, asking if they've been to any good Trump book burnings lately. Considering Trump's incompetent reign of terror, Biden was certainly entitled to a hearty chuckle at the citrus-face ex-President's behalf.
The President had little to say about his plan of attack when it comes to cleaning up Trump's mess. Instead, Biden focused on ancient history, discussing his college days with great enthusiasm. As it turns out, the University of God graduate has an extensive past with Jewish preacher and religious leader, Jesus Christ.
Biden went on to describe the wooden hut he shared with Jesus of Nazareth that was almost always filled with women, all of them crazy enough to venture outside in daylight. The President said Jesus Christ had irresistible charm and a perfect penis that "pulled in poon like crazy".
"I'd be in my twin bed trying to sleep but Jesus was just an animal." said Biden. "He'd have women lined up outside the hut and sometimes he'd even let me have his sloppy seconds."
Biden eventually graduated and went on to become a carpenter. Having lived through The Roman Empire and roomed with Jesus Christ, Biden said his extensive life experience will help carry the American people out of the darkness and into the promised land.