Everyone knows men grow faster in Texas.
In fact, Texas ranks as one of the most obese states in America, with over 35% of its residents embracing the physique of 1990s John Goodman.
That's why, with no medical experience and shockingly despicable dexterity, a critically inebriated couple began operating on the community in an attempt to slim down overweight citizens.
According to McAllen Police Department, Billy Buffalo and Bonnie McSaddle were providing illegal bariatric surgery inside a food truck parked in the Rio Grande Valley outside the Mexican border.
"People nowadays are way too fat," said Buffalo. "We're on a mission to eliminate fatness in Texas and, eventually, the world."
The pair ingeniously converted the inside of a vintage food truck into a non-sterile mobile operating room, equipped with street-grade opium and HillBilly Texas Moonshine for pain relief.
Since part of their scheme involves attracting customers, the couple constantly pumped the scent of fresh-baked cookies into the air, as it is a well-known fact that obese people cannot avoid sweets.
Once an unlucky fatty followed his nose to the boondocks of South Texas, the couple would use a homemade chloroform cocktail to paralyze victims and lift them into the food truck with an overhead crane.
Then, the couple would shrink the stomach without consent and toss the body into a field for recovery.
"It feels really good to do something helpful for humanity," said McSaddle. "Before this, I was smuggling heroin into the US Penitentiary, so I'm just glad to have a job that doesn't require me to stick drugs up my butt.'
After several months of investigation, undercover agents from the Texas Department of State Health Services posed as patients. Buffalo and McSaddle diagnosed and offered treatment to the fat detectives, at which point the neurotic couple were taken into custody and charged for the unlicensed activity.
Having performed gastric bypass surgery on each other multiple times, the couple was thin enough to slip through a crack in their cell window and into Mexican territory, where they stole a minivan and converted it into a taco truck that also provides gallbladder removal surgery.