Commercial electrician Smokey Waters told reporters Thursday he was “pretty sure” he had finally identified the red wire, moments before asking everyone in the immediate area of the food court to stand back “just in case this was one of the other ones again.” Witnesses said Waters, 43, arrived at South Coast Plaza in Costa Mesa with the confidence of a seasoned professional, only to slow down once he opened an electrical panel behind Panda Express and was confronted with what

Mattel unveiled its latest doll Monday, Autistic Barbie, a revolutionary addition to the Barbie universe that pairs encyclopedic knowledge of prehistoric creatures with a complete refusal to participate in imaginary social niceties. “Autistic Barbie is for children who want to play honestly, without the burden of social filters,” said Mattel spokesperson Dolly Plasticberg. “She can name every dinosaur ever discovered, but if you invite her to a tea party, don’t expect eye con

What began as a lifeless quest to wrap burritos at a diarrhea-inducing fast-food chain for $7.50 an hour somehow led to a zit-covered teenager being sworn in as the 48th President of the United States. Eighteen-year-old Rex Junkett was lounging in his favorite beanbag chair in his parents’ Atlanta basement when his father demanded that he stop creating volcanic wastelands in Minecraft and get a goddamn job. After the twenty minutes it took him to get up, Junkett licked the Fl

Ultra-low-cost carrier Spirit Airlines announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, human pilots are officially banned from all flights. In their place are Completely Reliable Automated Pilots, or CRAPs  for short. Spirit becomes the first airline in history to introduce fully automated CRAP Pilots, leaving humans grounded and passengers praying. According to the airline, the new CRAP system “does not complain about legroom, does not take bathroom breaks, and only occasio

TOAD SUCK, AR  -- Emergency responders confirmed Tuesday that a 2025 Chevrolet Suburban was airlifted to a nearby auto body shop after sustaining significant damage in a low-speed collision with a plus-sized pedestrian. According to officials, the vehicle suffered extensive structural trauma after the enormous pedestrian spotted a Taco Bell wrapper in the roadway and darted into oncoming traffic to inspect it for crumbs, triggering a collision that collapsed the car’s hood in