Mattel unveiled its latest doll Monday, Autistic Barbie, a revolutionary addition to the Barbie universe that pairs encyclopedic knowledge of prehistoric creatures with a complete refusal to participate in imaginary social niceties. “Autistic Barbie is for children who want to play honestly, without the burden of social filters,” said Mattel spokesperson Dolly Plasticberg. “She can name every dinosaur ever discovered, but if you invite her to a tea party, don’t expect eye con

What began as a lifeless quest to wrap burritos at a diarrhea-inducing fast-food chain for $7.50 an hour somehow led to a zit-covered teenager being sworn in as the 48th President of the United States. Eighteen-year-old Rex Junkett was lounging in his favorite beanbag chair in his parents’ Atlanta basement when his father demanded that he stop creating volcanic wastelands in Minecraft and get a goddamn job. After the twenty minutes it took him to get up, Junkett licked the Fl

Ultra-low-cost carrier Spirit Airlines announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, human pilots are officially banned from all flights. In their place are Completely Reliable Automated Pilots, or CRAPs  for short. Spirit becomes the first airline in history to introduce fully automated CRAP Pilots, leaving humans grounded and passengers praying. According to the airline, the new CRAP system “does not complain about legroom, does not take bathroom breaks, and only occasio